Dear Random Internet Man

An opinion piece on navigating social media as a woman.

Well, it happened again. 

It’s not the first time, and it definitely won’t be the last time, but another random Internet man got upset I didn’t give him attention and tried to hurt me professionally. I wish I could say this is just a random occurrence, but unfortunately, these things happen to women indie writers so often, people act like it’s normal.

Last year, the Writing Community was in an uproar over a man who called himself Dave Westfall. Brandishing a profile pic from 1973, Dave used hashtags and lots of exclamation points to recruit as many indie writers as he could so his following count would soar. Appearing like the Indie Writing Community Guru to green writers, he was able to slide into the DMs of unsuspecting women, and, well, you can use your imagination from here. After being exposed, this man tried everything to block it all out and assume a new identity (Dave Eastfall–I kid you not), but women came out of the woodwork to share their experiences with Creepy Dave. 

I saw another situation in the indie horror community where a podcast host was accused of being inappropriate toward his women guests, so much so that a slew of women came forward with receipts. This paved the way for women to expose other creeps in the horror community, and over six months, I watched a mass exodus of predators going back to whatever murky void they emerged from. Now, to me, the only proper reaction to all this information is to be appalled and block these people from your space, but some people instead questioned the women. How could they fall for something like that? Why did they allow them in their DMs in the first place? All different variations of: “Yeah, but was she asking for it?”

Society loves to place the onus on the victim and not the abuser.

The Writing Community, as it existed on Twitter in 2020 (when I hopped on), was based on naturally occurring reciprocity. I support your work; you support mine. As you navigate the indie writing world, you make friends, become close to some, and forge real friendships. And, if you’re like me, you have a communal spirit who enjoys bringing people with common interests together. You throw contests, awards, and in my case, start a publishing house. Everything seems great, but there is an insidious, sinister underbelly to the entire endeavor. 

While I believe wholeheartedly that you can build solid relationships over social media, parasocial mishaps also happen. These are one-sided occurrences where a person will develop an infatuation with someone they see on social media and, without the other party’s knowledge, believe they have a relationship with and are entitled to special treatment from that person. This can be as simple as expecting the person’s attention through ‘likes,’ or they can turn into something dangerous. I have personally been stalked and been on the receiving end of death threats; I’ve watched stalking play out with some of my closer friends as well. It’s terrifying. 

When you decide to self-publish, you are your marketing team. You are the one selling your book (and yourself) on various social media platforms. Each time you make a sale, or someone shows interest in your book, you’re elated. Grateful. You may feel indebted to them; you might even reciprocate. But here lies the problem. Predatory types use this as a method to get you to like them. To pop in your DMs. To try to guilt you into giving them your time and attention. They believe that you owe them something for their support. And for the malicious predators, they will retaliate cruelly if they don’t get what they want. 

Again, I have had this happen to me more times than I can count. As a woman who exposes her visage frequently online by way of modeling photos, I have stories. And again, it’s not just me—I have watched it happen to countless others. 

Though I feel like it doesn’t need to be said—let me clarify that I’m not saying all men do this, nor am I saying women are absolved of being predatory. It happens just as often, no matter how you identify. I write from my experience, and while I’ve had a couple of women who have made me uncomfortable, most of my negative parasocial interactions have been with incel men. 

I’ve also seen this dynamic play out differently. I watched one woman with a blatant histrionic personality disorder tell everyone she was being stalked and would create aliases to harass herself for attention. Yes, you read that correctly. These outrage farmers will use the inappropriate actions of men to attention-seek. While I don’t blame anyone for turning things over on their abusers, this only feeds the beast. Predators realize they can get copious amounts of negative attention (all attention is good attention for them), and their behavior worsens. And on and on the disgusting merry-go-round goes. 

Isn’t it supposed to be about writing?

Regardless of outliers, being an independent female author means swimming through perilous waters. You must maintain a social media presence for book sales, which can be rewarding but also means constantly being on high alert for devious behavior. Does this person actually like my book? Are they going to expect me to do something in return? Will this person turn on me to others? And gods help you if you write erotica. Those women seem to have it the hardest.

So what is our solution? For me, hopping off Twitter has proven to be a significant deterrent to unwanted attention but has limited my reach for selling books. I still have other platforms, but they can rope in a creep or two. I can operate through Quill & Crow, but even the company has dealt with seedy types. Plenty of folks have tried to use it to get closer to the women writers who find safety in her feathery arms. 

I could remove my face from social media, but what good would that do? I’ve seen whole relationships play out between people with cartoons as their profile pictures. The problem with social media is not the social media itself—it’s the people. No matter where you go, you have to deal with people that you’d rather not.

Unfortunately, I don’t have answers. If I did, I’d be screaming it from the mountaintops because it’s getting very old. I try to promote the positive interactions I have online and block out the ones seeking to do me harm. But occasionally, some random Internet man reminds me of what we all must deal with. And they light the fire in me to speak out against it. Because I’m not alone—hundreds of women and femme writers are out there, and we deserve to exist without someone feeling entitled to our time, minds, and bodies. We should be allowed to write and use social media without looking over our shoulders.  

So thank you, random Internet man, who doesn’t know me but believes you are owed my undivided attention. You gave me an idea for a blog post that I can use to reach others and, hopefully, spark conversations and ideas that will make a difference one day.